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I see the internal struggle with this all the time. Our parents are our first source of human contact. They are supposed to be our safe place. And sometimes they aren’t unfortunately.⁠ For children of immigrants, this may be further complicated by cultural expectations of what it means to be family.

A Desire for Connection is Normal

You may have friends who have amazing relationships with their parents and you wish you could too with yours. Even if you’ve been hurt. The desire to have a relationship with your parents, even if you’ve been hurt by them, is not weird or abnormal. It is actually pretty human. That desire is a marker of our need for connection. Remember, our parents are often our first source of connection. So it makes sense that we want to stay connected to them.⁠
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I think what is key in navigating this when we’ve been hurt by our parents: what type of relationship allows you to heal independently (e.g. your healing isn’t dependent on them) and still be in relationship with your parents? That is a big question and the answer will change based on so many things, including:⁠
1. Your own healing⁠
2. Their growth and healing⁠
3. Other things going on in life⁠
4. The energy you have moment to moment to manage the relationship⁠
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Grieve What You Didn’t Have

The second thing here is to grieve what we didn’t get to have. In other words, gently let go of the idea of ‘my relationship with my parents needs to be this way’. Let go and open up your mind to the possibilities of what could be. Think about (as stated above): what is realistic and achievable and centers your right to heal?⁠
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👇🏽Tell me: have you navigated this? What worked for you?

Therapy for Children of Immigrants in Oregon and Online

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

How do we deal when our parents express disappointment in us, particularly for children of immigrants? Do we accept it? Do we reject it? Do we meet somewhere in the middle? Here’s why this is important to think about.

Children of Immigrants

As children of immigrants, we might often hear about the disappointment of our parents. This might ring especially true during our developmental years but even in adulthood, we are not immune.

Why do parents tell us they are disappointed in us?

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All of us have dreams, hopes, wishes, and aspirations for our lives. What happens when we are disappointed because we don’t gain or achieve those goals or aspirations? ⁠
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If we don’t sit with it, grieve, and process our disappointments we might pass those on as expectations to our children or youth. Expectations might be received as pressure. Certainly not for all but for many.⁠
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Of course, parents can set expectations for their children and that is appropriate parenting. What I am asking us to sit with is: when disappointment happens, from where does it arrive? What place within us as parents? Going to the start of this process, where do the expectations come from?⁠
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And, importantly, how do we communicate this disappointment? Is this used as a form of control? Manipulation? We then come back to: what place within us is this coming from?⁠
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For those of us on the receiving end, this recognition may be helpful. Even if our parents do not have access to recognize this, perhaps our recognition can help us to heal, ourselves and intergenerationally.⁠
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Does this ring true for you? What would you add to this?

Therapy for Children of Immigrants in Oregon and Online

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

How to finish the year strong! Have you read this or something similar on the internet? As the end of year approaches, messages like this abound. Here’s why we should be careful about internalizing this message.

Our Worth Is Bigger Than Our Productivity

We fixed the message for you.⁠
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The end of the year hustle and productivity messages are starting. Goals are not bad. How we work towards those goals matters. What we achieved does not determine our worth and using that as a metric is limiting to the wholeness of who we are.

Another Way To End the Year

What if we celebrated the things we did accomplish this year? What if we reflected on how we grew this year?

What if we changed the metrics from what we DID to who we WERE? How would that change how we experience our lives and ourselves?
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How have you seen these end-of-year messages pop up? How do they feel for you?⁠

Counseling for Starting a Healing Journey

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

As the child of immigrants, as you grow, heal, and interrupt intergenerational patterns of trauma, you might begin to notice your parents changing.

The Children of Immigrants Have a Unique Healing Journey When Interrupting Intergenerational Trauma

You might notice more softness. More openness. More grace. Your parents may, in a different season of life and through you, have more space for their own healing. There is both joy and grief in seeing our immigrant parents open up in ways they couldn’t or wouldn’t when we were young.

We may grieve not having had that for ourselves when we were young. We might wonder, “what if?” Have you grieved for your past self?⁠ The youth who didn’t have access to soft, caring, and healing spaces? ⁠

And we might also feel joy for their growth, knowing we may have played a small role in it.

We Can Feel Multiple Things At Once

Both ways of experiencing our immigrant parents’ growth are ok. We will most likely experience both at the same time. It is heavy, it is messy, and it is worth it.

Because you are worth it.

We are worth it. I’ve been sitting with this as I’ve seen this growth happen around me: we heal and it has a ripple effect on systems and people around us. They begin to heal. It is beautiful.⁠
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It can also be painful because we might grieve not having had that for ourselves. ⁠All of this can be true at the same time. Be kind and patient with yourselves. ⁠

Therapy for Children of Immigrants in Oregon and Online

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

How does this ring true with your journey? Your heart?

You’ve decided you want to pursue counseling. Great! Now the task of finding a counselor.⁣

Not Every Counselor is Going To Be The Right Fit For You

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The truth is: it might take a few tries before you find the right counselor for you. I compare it to shopping for jeans. You’re not going to buy the first pair you try on right? The same goes for a counselor.⁣
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Talk with them. Meet with them. Give it a shot. And if it doesn’t feel right and you’re not getting what you need, you have a right as the client to say that and find another counselor.⁣
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It is not easy. And it is important for you to know this: I personally am never offended when a client decides that I am not the counselor for them. Their journey is theirs to determine and all I really want is for them to get the support and healing that they want.⁣

⁣How To Find The Right Counselor or Therapist

Some tips that might be helpful as you’re finding the right counselor:⁣
Ask lots of questions!⁣
Try to talk to them on the phone if possible before the first session.⁣ P.S. You can speak with someone from our team via phone for a free discovery call.
Learn more about their experience with whatever concern you need support with⁣.
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We know how important it is that you find the right fit. We hope that your journey takes you there.

Therapy for Life Transitions and Healing in Oregon and Online

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

We all have SO many thoughts in a single day. That’s kind of the hallmark of our species. BUT….
Just because you have a thought doesn’t make it true. 🤯.

Thoughts Are Not Always Reality

Yes. Really. That constant chatter in our heads isn’t always a reflection of reality. And most often, it’s actually skewed pretty negatively. Think you’re not good enough? Not true. Think nobody likes you? Not true.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Thoughts

This doesn’t mean that we ignore every thought we have. The skill we try to build with our clients is noticing our thoughts and then putting them ‘on trial’ rather than accepting our thoughts as truth.

Try it. For the next few hours, notice the thoughts you have and evaluate them for concrete evidence for and against. What events prove this thought isn’t true? That it is true? Taken as a body of evidence, is this thought true all of the time? We’d venture to bet NOT.

Therapy for Anxiety and Healing in Oregon and Online

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

You want to heal and it is frustrating when it doesn’t happen in an orderly, sequential, and linear fashion. We get it.

But what if that was normal? What if the journey to heal was just as important as the destination? What if all the confusing ups and downs and turnarounds were tools for your healing?

Many people struggle with this although it is VERY normal. Just like our lives are not lived in a nice linear fashion, neither is our healing. It is sometimes confusing and messy BUT it is all part of the process. We often ask our clients, “Where are you now compared to when you started this process of healing?” and most often the answer is: “Not where I started”.

How To Tell if Therapy is Working

If you’re in counseling/therapy then you might notice that some sessions are harder than others. Sometimes we leave our session feeling light and unburdened. Other times, we might leave with more processing and reflecting to do. Day to day, it can be hard to see the changes happening but if you were to think back to your very first session, how are you different? Both in and outside of the session?

How do you react to change, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty? What new coping tools do you have? How are you communicating differently? Would your past self react to a current situation in the same way that you are now? How would your ancestors react to this situation?

What have your trials and tribulations taught you? How have they informed the person you’ve become? This is all part of the healing journey and reflecting on where we’ve come from is an important way to recognize how far we’ve come.

How Long Does It Take to See Results From Therapy?

Each person’s journey is unique. Your counselor will work with you to create a treatment plan based on your goals and how you want to heal and change. Change can happen both quickly as we learn new tools and are heard fully for the first time and over time, deeper change happens that can change the way we experience our lives. Honor the process. It is all part of the healing.

Therapy for Life Transitions and Healing in Oregon and Online

Are you tired of thinking, “Log kya kahenge (what will people say)”, having arguments via text message, posting mysterious social media statuses hoping that one person will read them, serotonin loading on the humane society’s website, or being confused about what boundary setting means? If so, we can help! 

**Image Description: Blue background, white square in the middle of page with purple tape holding the left top corner. Black text in the middle that reads “today’s reminder: feelings are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’, they just are”.**⁠

⁠Good and Bad Feelings

Letting go of labels like ‘good’ or ‘bad’ when it comes to feelings lets us experience all feelings without judgement. ⁠
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Now, some feelings can harder to feel than others BUT that doesn’t make them ‘bad’. Feelings are clues that something is going. Classifying some as ‘bad’ usually leads us to ignore, minimize, deny or stuff those deep down. We then fail to learn what they are trying to teach us.⁠
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So how do we start removing those labels? It is hard work especially since most of us have been taught since childhood to label our feelings as good or bad. A simple way to do so is, next time you have a feeling that is challenging, rather than saying ‘bad’, you can approach with curiosity by saying something like “I am feeling _____. I wonder what this is trying to tell me”. ⁠
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Try it and let us know, how did it feel? Was it harder than you expected?⁠
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